Eye Rollers

Dealing With Eye Rollers

A well-timed eye roll can be a dagger through the heart.

It’s concern numero uno for clients: managing people who are resistant, reluctant, or cynical of a new and potentially embarassing approach to training. So, I get asked some version of: “How do you (deal with/manage/handle) reluctant people?”

It took me some time to realise that the problem wasn’t that I couldn’t think of an easy answer. The problem was the question itself.

The problem is that I don’t deal with, manage, or handle anyone.

Reread those words. Dealing with suggests I need to be sly or clever and manipulate via sleight-of-hand. Managing suggests I’m their boss, that their reluctance is something that can be instructed away or parked for later. Handling is perhaps the worst of all, since it implies a more direct, almost physical kind of intervention: like stuffing a howling cat in a carrier.

(You may remark these are just words, but words matter!)

I realised there is a better question: “How do I respect those people?”

Respecting Reluctance

Confession: I was the eye-roller once.

I got into corporate training because I was sick of being on the receiving end of self-professed ‘thought leaders’ re-jigging Harvard Business Review fads with their own convenient alliterations. I’d roll my eyes. Snort. Maybe crick my neck to get their attention first. Why would I want to learn about leadership from some starchy bloke who has never read a primary source?

My reluctance was, and is, real. The training I received wasn’t just poor. It was downright infantalising.

Training should involve what consultant Karen Tenelius calls “an adult-to-adult way of being.” This perspective assumes that reluctance is real, meaningful, and valid unless there is significant evidence to the contrary.

A whole raft of tactics and strategies follow from this simple premise: too much to go into here. However, it all begin with the idea that reluctance is worth respecting.

We perceive it as an obstacle, but it is the way.

The Obstacle is the Way

Gosh, I don't love bro-flavoured stoicism but this quote is **chef's kiss**

Anyway: When you respect reluctance, a few things happen.

First, you stop trying to *manage* and *handle* people and instead *collaborate* with them. This is challenging, because it means you have to throw the script out the window. Reluctance might mean I've pitched an exercise wrong. It might mean I haven't accounted for people's energy levels appropriately. Reluctance is a clue, something to get curious about.

Second, you gain the confidence to incorporate reluctance. It's one of my favourite opponents in facilitator-jitsu. Reluctance needs respect, but not grovel-at-its-feet respect. Occasionally, reluctance is an invitation for a gentle push or a moment of kind interrogation. A strategic yield might cause the reluctance to stumble, then collapse. Lots of things work here, all of them grounded in respect.

Got thoughts on this post? Let me know at aden@adendate.com. I reply to every email I receive (eventually).